Ya velkum…

Carnaval may be behind us but not all the fun of Lenten-time festivities has passed us by. While the Catholics might be wrapping things up, the Jews are juuuuust getting started. See the day after the goyim go back to eating chocolate or smoking cigarettes or masturbating or whatever else they give up for 40 days, that’s when the Jews get busy …eating matzoh.

Everybody loves matzoh! Well, maybe not everybody. But most the skinny broads who can find the kosher aisle at Ralphs know what’s up with the big cracker —  it’s the one bland low calorie carb that they can shamelessly crunch on for a couple weeks each year without the stigma of the other pre-Atkins diet foods. Like rice crackers… how does anybody stomach those things. They’re like styrofoam…blech! You eat that dreck and it’s obvious that you’re fixated on your michelines. But matzoh is different.

Natalie & Mila: Body by matzoh

Chicas preocupadas con los rollitos can eat matzoh and feel cool. Why? “Because it’s multiculturalism you racist motherfuckers! I’m eating Jew crackers. Read the Old Testament… ohmagawd!”

Matzoh is a crossover hit so universal that for the duration of Passover even the militant vegan intelligentsia at UC Berkeley hate Israel just a little less – even if only for a pseudo-Marxist hipster moment. But this story isn’t really about matzoh or Karl Marx. It’s about another Passover delicacy that has crossed over and achieved iconic status. And I’m not talking about gefilte fish. “Pesach” may be the commemoration of the deliverance of the Hebrews from slavery in Egypt but it has evolved to represent another emancipation: the liberation and deliverance of millions of oppressed Coca Cola consumers in the US. Much as the Jews were forced to labor for the Pharaoh, Americans have for years been forced to suck down a corrupted facsimile of real Coke that’s sweetened with America’s dietary nemesis: high fructose corn syrup.

But Jews don’t roll on Shabbos and they sure as shit don’t roll with HFCS. That’s because there’s a whole set of rules that determine what is and is not “kosher for Passover”. One thing that isn’t kosher is leavened bread. That means no yeast in the dough. Hence we eat matzoh. And somewhere along the line over the past 5,772 years, esteemed scholars of the Torah and the Talmud determined that HFCS-sweetened Coke was no bueno for the judíos during the Pesach. So in observance of one of the most important holidays on the Jewish calendar, we only drink good old-fashioned cane-sugar sweetened MEXICAN Coke.

Coke… de México! Because in México they still have the dignity, pride, and epicurean sophistication to use the good Lord’s Splenda aka azucar in their Jarritos and other carbonated beverages. For years now this contraband Coke has been the sweet little secret of Jews,  Mexican-Americans, and Coke-loving border dwellers. As a result, two cultures that rarely seem to have much at all in common are now finding themselves unidos por la Coca. And in case it started to get fuzzy, yes, we’re still talking about Coca Cola… not blow.

Much the way jazz, civil rights, Sy Kravitz, and Sammy Davis Jr. forged bonds between the Jewish and African American communities – bonds that may be frayed but never broken – Coke has helped to build bridges between Jews and Mexican Americans as the peoples of both cultures share in a daring pilgrimage from the shtetls of New Ashkenaz to the barrios of Nuevo Sefarad in search of a pure cane sabor in their botella de Coca Cola… which is Spanish for Coca Cola… which is Hebrew for …

Coca Cola.

So come April 6, everyone but Mitt Romney and the Osmonds will be making a break for the border. … or will they? The corn lobby is an angry bitch but even she knows to show a little respect for the big brochacho in the sky. And for a brief “time out” each spring she steps back and lets the azucar have another day in the sun so that all the matzoh eaters out there can wash down their plates of tasty gefilte fish with an ice cold and kosher-for-passover bottle of pop – available for a limited time only at your local grocery store. En serio, in your propio barrio NORTH of the border. No more trips to the south side of the Frontera. No more having to worry if that little abuelita behind you in line is a sicario for the Juarez Cartel. You can stay home and still enjoy the good stuff. Just look for the little yellow cap with “כשר לפסח” written on it.- it means sugar-filled Kosher goodness… but just for Passover.

Although, if you’re gonna play the Passover Card to sell some cola, then I wanna see packaging that looks more like this:

Or better yet, just let the sugar back in the damn bottle for everybody all year round. And keep the maíz in the gas tanks and tamales. Because dude… I know a Jew who NEVER drank HFCS in his Coke… #WWJDrink?

Un pensamiento en “Ya velkum…

  1. Well, except if you live in Pennsylvania, where Coke is still made using real sugar, as decreed by some old statute; nonetheless it’s a good statute (almost as good as the older one about the matzo). L’chaim!

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